Some Advice
May I give you some advice? Only give advice when it is actively sought, or a relation exists in which advice is a necessity and/or at the heart of those relationships, e.g., teacher and student. Otherwise, be reluctant to offer advice.
I must assume that if you read any further you are wanting to learn something about advice. If that is not the case, I have nothing to teach you – have a good day.
You’re still here? OK, let’s learn together.
Listen Here
Jesus said, rather bluntly, not to cast your pearls before swine. Whatever else this means, as Jesus is unlikely to be calling people pigs, it has the intention of warning us from giving away or forcing upon the reluctant something of value. It is likely to be treated as placing pearls in front of pigs would be. They will trample them in the mud; the pearl is of no value to them. So, with your advice when not asked for.
Even in good relationships one must be careful with advice – surround it with escape clauses for the relationship’s sake. One way to do this is to ask leading questions, rather than making what may be mistaken for an accusation. A person with any discernment will know what is being said, and the format of questions gives people relational breathing space.
I gave cautiously packaged advice to someone we were helping through a very difficult patch, but as soon as I had opened my mouth, I wished I could take my foot back out of it. The recipient (who needed to consider what we offered due to the situation they were in) was quick to defend themselves adding that, in essence, they knew better. I did a modifying retreat, but the damage was done. I came away the wiser – sadly they didn’t seem to.
The point is you shouldn’t give advice unless it is sought. And sometimes when it is sought people have no intention of following through - it is optional to them.
Many years ago, a friend of mine said that they had determined to treat the asking of advice with more gravity than in the past, because even asking for advice doesn’t mean people listen to what is proffered. He stated that if someone asked for advice, he would give it with one caveat – they did it, otherwise he wasn’t prepared to waste his time being an advisory bureau. He didn’t care for his pearls to be trampled.
Some people are asking for advice because the last advice they received (about the same issue) wasn’t what they wanted to hear. You would assume if advice were asked for it is because a person doesn’t know what to do? And if that is the case, why would they not do what was advised?
In a recent conversation a person I have much respect and love for told me of a decision he had made and wanted me to be one of the first to know. It was kind of him to do so. However, what he should have done was not tell me at the end but seek my advice (as his pastor) at the beginning of the process. The outcome may have been the same but the way of approaching the situation would have been better served by asking for advice and not presenting a foregone conclusion. When I asked him to do something by way of good processing, he told me he would consider it, to which I replied, I wasn’t asking him to consider it but to do it. I have little intention of being asked what I think when someone has no determination to take the advice.
Personally, I find it easy to take advice if I ask for it, and I do. Except in the rarest of occasions I will do what is advised. Equally I don’t find it easy to take advice I didn’t ask for even when (and it is mostly when) a relationship allows or demands it. Many years ago, when we lived in Sydney, Australia I was looking to buy an apartment off the plan with the intention of selling it when it was completed – it was the thing to do at the time because Real Estate was a common means of getting ahead financially. The agent for the development, a good friend, gingerly approached me and suggested it may not be a good decision for me or my family. He based it on my more cautious nature and asked some leading questions that I failed to convince even myself about. His advice could have upset me. He knew this, but he was looking out for me, understanding something about my nature. I am I glad he came and am I glad I listened. We didn’t go ahead and not long after a bad downturn in the market left many people, friends included, stranded with properties that were worth considerably less than what they had taken investment loans out for.
They are times when I am sorely tempted to give advice, and I believe in most instances it would be good advice. But I don’t; I haven’t been asked. If advice is not sought it is because people either don’t want to hear or are happy with their situation – in which case even great advice would be a waste of breath. Every father and mother, grandfather and grandmother would like to give advice to their adult children, but unless it is asked for it is fraught territory to wander in to. The exception would be if something were life threatening, or extremely bad behaviour was evidenced. But you need to know that even if it is the right thing to do it is likely to cause a rift that may take years to heal. Otherwise, speak when spoken to.
That’s my advice. Take it, but don’t leave it.